I Gave Birth Twice as a Virgin

I'm kind of a weirdo.

I double down on (hard-ish) things, so I get the most out of learning from them, maybe especially when it comes to things I really love. And the lessons can be costly in the 3D.

I was a virgin til 6 weeks before I turned 41 (I was literally a 40-year-old virgin 😭).

Which means I gave birth twice as a virgin (call me Mary. Jk. Don't call me Mary).

This isn't all that uncommon with IVF technology. I know there are plenty of women who can say the same thing.

But recently, I had a conversation that made me see things in myself I hadn't seen through a new lens. This amazing woman I was chatting with heard a bit about my story and said, "You double down on love at the expense of things that no one in this room full of incredible women would ever give up."

She pointed out that I forewent intimacy with my first boyfriend/husband because I was so in love with him I was willing to not meet these desires. (I was the randiest teenager out of all of my friends, so obviously I stuck a gold wedding band on my left ring finger to pledge my purity and virginity to God and my future husband, because that makes total sense.) My first boyfriend/husband happened to be paralyzed from the ribs down.

It meant very little to my conscious mind that I would not ever have sex (but keep reading to see what it meant to my subconscious!).

Beyond a non-traditional couplehood and all that came with that, I also conceived our kids in the most non-traditional way, once again foregoing ease in pursuit of my love and desire to have kids. All clinical, hard on the mind and body, the ease and joy coming after my augmented (pitocin/cervidil) non-pain-medicated births (what is my problem?! Why do I always sign myself up for the toughest option? Keep reading...).

The woman I was talking to then pointed out that my relationship with Aaron also wasn't one of ease. He was 21 years old when we got together (still living at home getting his undergrad, then his master's degree for the first 6 years of us being together). He was unestablished in career and finances, but I was like SIGN ME THE FUCK UP! Because the love was SO good.

Once again, hand raised high for things that were never going to be a cakewalk in the 3D.

And all for love.

I know why I chose to do my life up and through my first marriage the way that I did. And I'm just uncovering why I've done the last 7 years the way I have (also non-cakewalk).

One of the reasons is my 6/3 profile in Human Design, which makes me a martyr-martyr for the first 30 years of my life. I continue to have this martyr line for the rest of my life as I take all that I've pressed myself so hard into to learn into wisdom for humanity.

The other reason is nuts.

I was able to discover and heal why I chose to marry a paraplegic at 30 in a hypnosis session where I traced my subconscious beliefs back to just after I was born, when I was unable to nurse. I was allergic to my mother's milk (or something in it) and there was no support for her in the tiny town we lived in. So I internalized her overwhelm, anxiety, and fear at providing life-sustaining sustenance as evidence that I was a burden and to never ask for more than those around me can give me.

When I found this (and healed it), I was able to see this core curriculum thread throughout my entire life (I was 41 when I learned this about myself). I could see how it shaped me literally to my core.

This experience with my mother began my human experience. It's what separated me from my soul's consciousness, worthiness, lovability, safety, security, power. We ALL have this moment and all the ones that follow. This is what we dropped into the human experience for.

It created my attachment style, parts of my personality, literally how I navigated through life.

When I look at my decision to marry Josh, I can see what influenced it.

I was never going to be a bigger burden than a man who couldn't use his legs. I would be able to earn my place, and no matter what I asked for, it was never going to be too much.

Healing this set me free. I realized this was the classroom I'd been in my whole life and that there was no teacher who would tell me I was done and could leave. I was the teacher. I learned what I needed to learn, healed what needed to be healed, stood up, left my backpack hanging on the chair, and walked out of the classroom.

I don't feel like a burden anymore. Quite the contrary, tbh.

But there was something left to heal and expand beyond in my relationship with Aaron. Through the reflection this woman gave me in our brief conversation, shouting at each other over live music and unpacking the conversations in the days that followed, I came to realize that the "hard" I've chosen in the 3D with Aaron has been in building the business that would get Soul Forward Method to the women who are looking for it.

I have positioned everything as the thing that isn't working (messaging, marketing, funnels, ads, living in a small town landlocked in Central Oregon on my moon node) when beneath the conscious there was a sneaky belief that I can't have both love and money (money as the evidence of my impact through SFM).

The belief is that if I have one, I can't have the other.

I had money in my marriage but the love was a fraction of what I have with Aaron.

The money I have with Aaron is a fraction of what I had with Josh.

I have not experienced or seen in my own family that both can co-exist.

So I've been self-protecting (aka self-sabotaging) by rearranging and reorganizing the business that I've built over and over again so that I won't be visible and successful, so that I won't lose Aaron.

I have once again doubled down on love at the expense of something deeply important to me.

It seems ridiculous and totally illogical. And that's how the subconscious works. Your conscious mind will protect you and keep your soul's curriculum firmly embedded in your subconscious, nervous system, emotions, and energetic field for safe-keeping.

This is what we have come here for, but not to remain limited by it. To HEAL IT and move into the great beyond.

I can't wait to see what happens. I'll keep you posted.