The Invisible Coffin

Let's talk about coffins.

I experienced one this morning, and I was like, "Well, this sucks." Here's exactly what happened.

I finished a big project yesterday that I've literally been working on over and over and over again since March of 2024 (yes, 2024 🙄) and I felt so excited, finally fully aligned with it, and proud of it.

And then a few hours later my mind began looking for other things related to this project that now need to be revisited to be sure they're up to snuff. I started feeling a little anxious about some images (it's too old! It needs to be updated!), and began wondering if things were "good enough" to roll back out into the public.

I felt myself go from feeling pretty freaking proud of myself and high vibe when I finished the big project at noon, to feeling much lower and heady (very 3D vibes) in the afternoon.

I have a pattern and I was living it out again. Which is like driving through a super huge, meandering roundabout (akin to a never-ending river at a waterpark) and knowing that my "exit" is coming up, and feeling like I don't know if I'm actually going to take the exit or do one more f***ing round.

I've been aware of this pattern for most of this year and I've watched myself trick myself into not taking the exit, over and over again. (Good grief, the subconscious is powerful at making us think we're doing the right thing to self-preserve when it's soul-sabotage.)

I have a few people who can really hold an accurate mirror up for me when I'm in my pattern and choosing to circle back around instead of take the exit. But I'm the one who has to exit.

We are the ones who create the life we create and make the decisions that create it. If we've got some limitations still in place that our unhealed parts, inner child, puny-ass beliefs won't let us comfortably move beyond, we won't.

So I found myself at the crotch of opportunity to position myself to take the upcoming exit, one that I consciously 1000% know I want to take. And I saw the wobble of my indecision as one minute I'm veering into the lane to exit and the next I'm moving left to stay in the roundabout.

I could feel the density of this emotionally and in my nervous system (all of which is just information offered to us so we can take ownership of it), and still I was like, UGH, seriously, again with this?

I woke up this morning and felt a nudge to sit with what happens if I keep going the way I'm going (staying in the same meandering roundabout I want to leave but don't) and what happens when I heal whatever is keeping me there.

In the first scenario, I realized that when I keep this limiting belief and pattern in place, the one that heavily impacts my visibility and ability to get my work to the world, it felt like being inside a glass coffin. I'm here, you can see me, but I'm limiting the reach of my impact. It was pretty, but felt too small.

When I explored the second scenario where I've healed this curriculum my soul came here to experience, there was no coffin. My energy wasn't contained. It was enormous and breathing, nebulous and way more vivid.

I still need to identify where I began to self-protect when it comes to what I create, and whether it's "good enough" to be out in the world. (SFM is one thing I have zero hesitation about having out in the world. It's so far beyond good enough I don't even think about tinkering with it, ever.)

It has to do with things that happened in elementary school, and I totally remember them. But being consciously aware of them doesn't heal them in the subconscious, nervous system, emotions, and energetic field. Nor does it change the energetic timeline that this unhealed energy is choosing for us.

When you know something sad, cringe-worthy, or infuriating happened in your life, it's not enough. And learning how to talk yourself out of feeling those feelings about it isn't enough to heal it at the root. Learning how to soothe yourself and re-regulate your emotions and nervous system also isn't enough to heal it where it exists.

It stays in place and keeps you where you are for longer.

And when we don't actually deal with it we don't do what we came here to do, which is to experience it, heal it, and become wise because of it. Welcome to the human experience.

So I'm setting time aside to dissolve my glass coffin, because what I miss out on (and what my relationship, children, everyday life, and global impact miss out on) is far too great to sacrifice for staying comfortable and settling for a smaller life.

We are our most powerful healer. But if we don't have the right tools, we're doing surface-level work.

Can you imagine if I stayed in the roundabout because I wanted everything to be perfect and didn't get this healing into the hands of those who are looking for it?

And more importantly, can you imagine if you stayed in your roundabout instead of taking that exit you know you're meant to take?

What a dick move. (I'm speaking of myself here, mostly.)