Brian & Hollie and the Before Born Self

Before I go further I need to tell you about Brian and Hollie.  

They’re friends closer to me than blood relatives. They’ve held space for me to become whole (soul uncovered and healed) from the first time we spent time together almost 20 years ago. They made a promise to me that, between the three of us, our capacity to hold space for one another's healing was expanded 3 fold and that it would be enough space for us each to gain wisdom for healing ourselves and each other.

Brian has been my most profound personal spiritual teacher and the two of them together have been a place of safety, love, and fuck ton of discomfort as they consistently showed me where I was hiding from the healing I needed in my own life in order to uncover my soul. 

We just loved each other in that soft-strong way that feels like the best version of “home” - that place where you’re loved for exactly where you’re at - but also shown a mirror of the beautiful soul within you. 

Over the years we talked, a lot, we sat on the beach and played in the water, we gathered with our small community of souls who wanted to actually live, we had dreams of and for each other (both awake and asleep,) we ate Hollie’s beautiful meals, we drank beer and renovated their home, we drank wine and cried over what we’d lost and what we’d found.  

A few years ago I was visiting them on their magical piece of land in the hills outside of Los Angeles (Brian is a spiritual landscape designer who makes trees dance and rocks sing - their property is one you never want to leave). It’d been a few years since we’d seen each other - but every time we’d reconnect it was like no time had passed and also like we’d lived entire lives in the interim. Over dinner, we caught up about our individual healing, what we had learned, and the big changes in our lives. So much had happened for each of us, but what remained was the recognition of each others’ souls.

At one point I said “It doesn’t resonate with me when people talk about a personal ‘evolution’ because I’m changing in a way that someone might call an ‘evolution’ but it isn’t - it’s a ‘revolution.’ I’m not trying to become some unknown but better “version” of myself, I’m revolving back to who I was before I was born.” And Brian said “Your before-born-self.” It was like an instantaneous snap of energy and knowingness - that feeling of yes, that’s exactly it. He put the words right into my mouth.

That’s been my work for nearly 20 years - trying to get back to my before born self. I didn’t have words then for what I was doing, I just felt that I needed to uncover myself, like the person I was really meant to be living as was buried within me.  

We know it as the Authentic Self, True Self, or Highest Self - I believe these are all the same thing and they’re the Before Born Self.

I don’t think I’ll ever have the words to express the gratitude I feel for having Brian and Hollie as soul companions in my life. The safe space they’ve held, the guidance they’ve given, and the examples they have been are priceless to me. They are fully human, flawed, and walked years through the hills and valleys to get back to their souls. They’re also magical, spiritual, childlike adults who live from their souls. They are one of my greatest gifts in life.

The work of uncovering our before born self is never done, but I have enough access to it now that I orchestrate my life so that I’m following and honoring it each day. I’m living from there, and it has made all the difference. 

I live now as the soul they could see was within me.