Soft, But Not Soft-Soft: How I Hold Space For Others

Soft, but not soft—soft.

I was surprised it didn’t hurt my feelings. 

A friend recently told me that I’m not a “soft” person, on more than one occasion.

She was referring to how I hold space and interact with people (friends, family, clients). From her perspective I’m tough, no-nonsense, no-bs when it comes to my engagement with others. 

She’s softer than me.  She likes to hold space where people can tell her all the details of their woes and she’ll comfort them and make them feel better, and her friends and clients love her for it, and she’s gifted at it.

I used to be soft this way, but I’m much firmer now.

But why?

How We Hold Space For Others

Because I know now that we do a disservice to the people in our lives if we’re a constant sounding board for their chosen victimhood perspective.  If they’re hanging out in poop soup and we say “hey! I’m coming in to make you feel better! I’ll sit beside you and wipe your brow as you stew in your own poop so it’s more manageable for you! I’ll make you comfortable in your discomfort so you can stay there longer!” 

We’re doing no one any favors when we hold space this way, including ourselves.

I used to be the first one to cannonball into someone’s issues (soup) and feel them, commiserate with them, complain with them, get mad/sad with them, because I thought that was what I was meant to do. I thought that was being a good friend. I used my powerful open solar plexus (the emotional center of the Human Design body graph), my HSP (highly sensitive person) attributes, and my innate empathy to BE IN IT with them (strength in numbers!).

But now, having done a ton of inner work, healing, and evolving I know that’s not the way.

Changing How I Hold Space For Others

When I was training to become a hypnotist my teacher told us she’d stopped wearing mascara because she cried with her hypnosis clients.  I thought, “oh man, I’m probably going to have to do that too! Maybe I’ll get my lashes tinted…”. But as I’ve been seeing clients (95% of them cry in at least one session, usually all), I’ve found it’s not my job and it doesn’t serve my client if I’m in their soup with them, if I hold space in this way.

I can love them and serve them in a more powerful way if I show them the way out of the soup.

We Are Meant To Evolve

When we make ourselves or others comfortable in the soup, we stay the same.  We stall out and our fingers get all pruny.  We’re not meant to stall, we’re meant to be moving forward and evolving all the time. Sameness isn’t the theme.  Every natural thing evolves. 

We’re natural things and we’re meant to evolve.

When I think back to the decades I spent in soups (my own, my friends’) I feel a little bit sad at how much time was wasted.  If someone had been able to lovingly come into these spaces and show me a way out, I’d have moved forward into a life outside of the soup much faster (and being outside of the soup is so empowering).

So, no, I’m not soft.  My love for you is firm.  I don’t want you to stay the same whether you’re in soup or outside of it, I always want you to be moving forward (and this doesn’t mean I want you striving and sprinting, I want to help you find your own pace of expansion and evolution).

I once heard author Liz Gilbert say that in times of hardship/failure/disappointment the first thing we need is to be “mothered”.  We need to first feel nurtured and safe (whether that nurturing comes from ourselves, or others) and when we feel seen, heard, and “ok” we can be “fathered,” where we can look at where we’re at, or at that situation and figure out what to do about it.  

This is how I love now. This is how I hold space for you.  I’m going to love you where you’re at, but I’m not going to let you stay there because it’s not serving you.  You’re limiting yourself and you’re not being who you’re meant to be which limits the world (who needs you to be exactly who you’re here to be).

So I’m ok not being “soft-soft” anymore.  If I stay soft, I’m out of alignment with what I’m here to do, and what I’m here to do is help you, so you don’t want me soft, either.