Never Abandon Myself

A few weeks ago I had this thought drop into my lap:

“Why were you abandoned so much when you were young?”

And I was like “huh?”

And again I heard “Why were you abandoned so many times?  What was in that for you?”

I wanted to brush it off like - “Hey, I’m on a road trip right now I don’t need to do any heavy thinking thanks so much.”

Then I thought - “Why is this dropping into my awareness right now?”  Nothing triggered it. It just came in.

I’ve learned to pay attention to things dropping into my awareness because there’s always a reason behind it.

You store every moment of your waking life in your subconscious mind. It’s infinite in size and capable of expanding with every moment that you live. But your conscious mind is only aware of a small amount of information at any time. 

I sat with the question as we drove.  I thought about how I know that there’s wisdom in my past, and maybe I hadn’t sat with this abandonment teaching long enough throughout my healing journey to receive the wisdom.

I revisited the past. I looked at the people I was abandoned by, I looked at the circumstances, I looked at myself as a child and tween and teenager, all from a place of curiosity and healthy detachment.  I let myself look at all of it from a place above myself.  

I asked for insight.  

I felt into bits of what the experiences had been like when I was going through them, but only to be reminded of them, not swallowed up by them.  The experiences themselves have completely changed in my mind because of the hypnosis work I’ve gone through, but I hadn’t revisited the theme of abandonment since I’d done that work.

I asked myself “What wisdom is there in being abandoned many times? Why did it happen more than once?”

As I sat with these questions and felt through the memories, I found that I knew and I really know what it feels like to be abandoned - physically, emotionally, spiritually - left alone and how terrifying that was at times, how heartbreaking and lonely it was, and how I did so many things to try to avoid feeling those feelings.

I asked again “Where’s the wisdom?”

And I heard “You know deep in your being what it’s like to be abandoned. You have lived so much of your life to avoid feeling that again. But you've healed that. You’re no longer afraid of being abandoned and you’ve created a new life from that place.  What you need to know now is that you can never abandon yourself.”

I sat with the wisdom and realized that it’s true.  I can be left by those I love and I would be ok. 

I turned to Aaron and said “If you leave me I’ll be ok,” and it felt like the honest truth.

What I realized is how far I’ve come from living a life out of fear, living disconnected from my worthiness, and out of alignment with my soul. 

It used to be my end goal just to heal the wounds, but now I see there’s more ahead of me.  I needed to exchange the wounds for wisdom, but that was just getting me ready for the next leg of my journey.  

This one requires that I never abandon myself.

I’ve done too much to get where I am today to give it away. I’ve fought really hard to come into a place of deep alignment with myself. The moment I start to lean away from what I’m guided towards in order to make others feel comfortable or to not rock the boat, or keep the peace is the moment I abandon myself - and that abandonment will wound me greater than any I’ve ever experienced.

The more we heal, the more we come home to our authentic selves, the more we align our lives with the life we’re meant to be living - the more imperative it is that we never abandon ourselves.

This is our journey - to heal ourselves into wholeness within ourselves and then live from that place.

Do not abandon yourself once you’ve come home.